Heard in the Jackson Free Press offices on March 25th, 2009 | Jackson Free Press | Jackson, MS

Heard in the Jackson Free Press offices on March 25th, 2009

"I got you new post-its"

(pen drop. It is clumsy today.)

Other than that, I'm previewing movies which will be shown at the upcoming Crossroads Film Festival. Fun times.

Also, I am currently taking applications from those seeking to be my intern. If you are meek, feeble, and malleable beyond belief = shoot me an email. [e-mail missing]
For some cool reason, the University of Missississississippi has failed to terminate my email account. I'm certain that with my large following, someone will notify the administration and this oversight will be resolved immediately.

To be my intern... You must possess more knowledge than myself. Are you cute? Friendly smile? Anxious to please? You are getting closer, my dear.
Unpaid internship. Yet, consider this community service. Did you know that Ted Koppel, Regis Millionaire Host and Michael Eisner (Mickey Mouse) were all once NBC pages? Just think where you'll be in 33 years.

When my bosses hand me assignments, I'll pass them along to you while I step outside and flirt with the girls at Cups next door. When I'm back in 10 minutes- more like 25- I'll expect to see accomplishments. If not, that is your second warning. "What about the first?" you pitifully ask. I told you when I hired you that I am unorthodox in my teaching. Because yes, I consider this a teaching position. I am teaching you how to be subservient and a better little indian. I am the chief.

Also, do you cook? I tend to eat out on most occasions and an intern that can cook is like owning a car that can fly. (Irish Flying Carbombs anyone? Recurring material?) I prefer Greek, Italian, French, Thai, Asian, Australian, North American, South American, African, European- styled cuisine. Notice I didn't mention dishes from Antarctica. Don't push it.
Ice cream is my favorite dessert. Chocolate syrup, please. A side of Hershey's Quick in a glass is also enjoyed.

If you become my intern, you will not necessarily be employed by the Jackson Free Press. You will be employed by me. But I will rubber-stamp any college recommendation letters. Trust me, they know me.

Give me a shot. I need all the help I can get. My workload here is as Towering as the Vegetable Napoleon at Bravo! Restaurant. (corporate sponsor)
You won't regret this and your parents will love me.

(bloggers note: I am no longer affiliated with the People's Temple in Guana. Your parents might not love me if they look me up on factcheck.org)

Act now!

Support our reporting -- Follow the MFP.