FJ:Good morning and good grief, this is Fearless Jackson and you are listening to your favorite morning radio show in the entire neighborhood. How is the morning pizza? Short broadcast today since the mailman keeps forgetting to collect the mail around here. Know what that means? The bills aren't getting delivered. Oh, who am I kidding? I am only saying this in the off chance someone at the bank listens to my show. What are the odds of that?
Impossible is the mission? They said I treated Fridays like Mondays and Mondays like Fridays but to me, that just sounds like an antimetabole. That or I've been reading too much Dr. Seuss, the original rapper, you heard it hear first. Or last.
To me, My So-Called Life really jumped the shark after the first season.
Behavioral scientist Kathleen Wermke has been studying crying babies for the past two decades. What a Dirty Job. That is 20 years of listening to emo music without the instrumentals. For this, she deserves some sort of prize, such as a diamond ring. Maybe earplugs. Wermke also compares cries from separate backgrounds, such as Chinese and Japanese.
On the homefront, perhaps Wermke should attempt to distinguish between a Democrat and a Republican crying. I'm sure they all sound the same, whether it be a Republican senator having his Craigslist account deleted, or a Democrat senator losing her largest campaign donor to prison time.
The morning air rushes into the studio this morning. It's 15 after the hour. It's not because of our unique architectural design which allows the autumn gusts to pervade my tiny hall of solace. It's simply because we have a hole in the roof. I would pay the carpenter what I owe him if only the mailman would drop by here once in a while. The check is in the mailbox, honest.
Semicolons this week expressed outrage on Capitol Hill over what they call, "egregious discriminatory practices" conducted in part by many computer-users across the nation and world. One activist spoke to me late last night.
;: Due to only being half-colon, we are perceived to be inferior to colons. This is not true and should no longer be perpetuated by the status quo. Our usage is entirely specific to the grammatical task at hand. If the establishment continues to discriminate against using us because of our appearance, then we shall continue to march in protest until we are given proper civil rights.
FJ: I spoke to one White House official who refused to believe semicolons were being improperly discriminated against.
White House Official: If you look at the state of editing in this day and age, punctuation marks are misused each and every day. Newspaper staffs across the country are being reduced in size. The newly formed staffs now focus more on inserting their own agenda into their stories rather than checking on the proper justification for using a colon or a semicolon.
FJ: I then spoke to a college student preparing a 10-page term paper on the subject of man-made hazards in Greece.
College Student: I mean, if I can help it, I won't use either. Periods, question marks, exclamation marks; pieces of cake.
Wait, did I use the semicolon correctly in that last sentence? I don't want to ruin the transcript. Honestly, I probably should have typed a colon after "exclamation marks", but I don't want semicolons picketing outside of my studio. Plus, I don't mind breaking the 4th wall.
College Student: But when it comes to semicolons or colons-forget it. I'm still figuring out how to stray from typing commas.
FJ: In other news, gold is at an all-time high. Take the L out of Gold and you have what gold really is at this moment in time. I'd love to come home to a Claire Danes-type of girl wearing god around her neck, watching reruns of Happy Days. Then maybe I'd finally understand the meaning of that Weezer video.
The new version of Happy Days would be called Happy Hours and would consist of the saddest teens in the world drooling over their McEwan's at Al's Diner, waiting for the next episode of Happy Days to come on.
This has been fun. This has been wild. My phone is rocking off the hook. Caller I.D. says it's someone calling from the bank. Over and out.
(musical stylings of 14 Iced Bears begins to play)