FJ: Good morning and good grief, this is Fearless Jackson and you are listening to your favorite morning show in the entire neighborhood. News this morning. None. Nothing happened. You thought wrong. You read the paper this morning and thought what you were reading was news. That is the Coffee News. Close, but not news. I already found the mug, by the way.
In a startling revelation, Walter, the radio station's security guard, did not recognize me this morning. He was expecting someone with better hair. I was wearing a cap. He was expecting someone wearing cooler shoes. I was wearing Stride-Rite's. He was expecting someone with taste in music. Sorry, Walter, but Raffi will have to do.
It's cool and collective outside. Or is it collected? You get the drift. The wind is blowing and the pizza guy isn't here yet. Probably means I won't tip. I'm kidding. I always tip anyone willing to drive this far out into the county. Anyone willing to encounter as many potholes and still smile when I hand them 56 cents in change. Especially when the pizza place isn't open so the driver kindly offers to cook one of those Tombstone Pizzas in his oven. He then kindly asks how I have his cellphone number. What a guy. Better be Original Supreme Taco, I'm just saying.
The White House is reporting that dinner was served on time last night and that tomorrow will be another day. Speaking of White's, Jim and Dana White hosted Supper Club last night and I was not invited. More on those scumbags later.
What else happened today? My dog didn't bark this morning when the paper boy dropped off the Coffee News. More on that Snoopy later.
Earlier I mentioned my dog. You might remember her from 20 seconds ago. She has a name. We call her Ruby. I call her RubyRubyRubyRuby really fast, just like that. Just like if I were epileptic and also a dog lover. I'm not epileptic and also not a dog lover because I prefer humans. Though, I love RubyRubyRubyRubyRuby. She doesn't fetch, but I've come to terms with that. She isn't so much a hunter-gatherer, but rather, a licker-snoorer. And also a wagger-Coffee News reader.
The music you are currently listening to is the sounds of Fearless Jackson, wasting his life. Democracy Now dot org has yet to post a video detailing the horrifying details of yesterday's events, whatever they may be. We'll keep you posted since Democracy Now dot org apparently doesn't care about the world anymore. I kid. They do a wonderful job of scaring the living Original Supreme Taco out of me.
Perhaps you've heard of this new phenomenon known as Soccer Moms. Well, let me be the first to tell you, be prepared for disappointment. I drop my dog off at soccer practice yesterday, when all of a sudden, an entire litter of SUVs and station wagons pull up to the playing fields. Immediately, I grasp what is at hand. I am witnessing the arrival of Soccer Moms. Passenger-side doors burst open, and little boys and girls bolt in every direction. Only moments later, the doors close, and these so-called Soccer Moms speed away.
There I was, waiting for these middle-aged ladies to trot onto the pitch to bend it like Beckham, but instead, they peel away without ever unbuckling their safety belts. A true dereliction of duty if you ask me. But who asks me? I'm just your favorite neighborhood radio host.
Gas prices are up. Morale is down. The coffee is cold. But the Coffee News is just heating up.
We'll be right back with my top five favorite financial scandals of the year. Til' then, enjoy M83.
(the musical stylings of M83 begins to play)