Pork-N-Piggly Customer Service Representative: "Attention Pork-N-Piggly Supermarket shoppers! As you know, prices throughout our store have drastically changed. High fuel prices, housing and credit crisis and the economic recession have affected the way folk spend their dollars. Our Pork-N-Piggly marketing staff reports that consumers have resorted to hoarding food.
"Our C.E.O and former NFL third-string defensive end, Ernest ‘Monday-Night Football Head' Walker, feels the consumer's pain, frustration and fear. And he apologizes for the abrupt price adjustments of your favorite grocery products. Higher prices at Pork-N-Piggly have become a necessary evil. And, for now, inflated prices make the world go ‘round and consumers angry.
"Nevertheless, Ernest and our brilliant staff have developed a new payment method called the ‘Auto-Co-Go' payment system for financially challenged grocery shoppers. The ‘Auto Pay' system allows the consumer to pay for his/her groceries through a monthly automatic bank draft, or a deduction from a WIC voucher account.
"The ‘Co-Pay' system requires the consumer to locate a good friend, close relative or significant other to pay a percentage of the grocery bill. The ‘Go-Pay' system is for a consumer with insufficient funds in his/her bank account, forgot the PIN number to his/her WIC voucher account, or has already borrowed too much money from friends, relatives and lovers. Just ‘Go' ahead and ‘Pay' your grocery bill!
"Remember: Tax stimulus check time is around the corner. The Pork-N-Piggly staff looks forward to serving our devoted, frustrated and priced-gouged customers!"