Spoiler Alert: We've all had our hearts broken.
Oh, you haven't? Well you can go away, now. I'm not talking to you.
Heartbreak is a fact of life. There's something about human nature, though, that makes us turn to music to get us through these heartaches. Each of us has a small library of songs reserved for those moments when we get kicked to the curb by the people we love. There's always been a large market for heartbreak songs, so people that want to lie around in the bed for five days and eat Ben and Jerry's and waffle fries always have a soundtrack to their moroseness.
But some of us (see: me) like to supplant our sad songs with aggressive, "I hate you" music. For a few years, Eminem was the best supplier of this kind of song. His impassioned screaming and foul language proved to be the perfect sonic catharsis when break-ups reared their ugly heads.
Recently, though, music has gone emo. Hip-hop has lost its edge, and rappers are more emotionally open than ever. Drake croons and sobs through his albums, leading a trend of "emo" music that seemed like it would never end. That's quite fine for people in touch with their emotions and in need of a good sob, but what about the rest of us that enjoy screaming and throwing things?
Thank goodness that there has been some new music to speak directly to us. There have been some great new songs that have made this a perfect time to hate your ex.
Let's start with the viral mega-hit "F*ck You" from the legendary Cee-lo Green. In case you've been under a rock or without the Internet, Cee-lo's venomous ode to the woman he loves and the man driving her around town has become an Internet and radio sensation. The chorus is simple and angry: "I see you driving ‘round town with the girl I love, and I'm like ‘F*ck You!'"
Men out there struggling with the fact your woman is out with another man, this is for you. Because we all know that a well-placed "F" bomb works wonders for getting over a break-up.
Ladies, don't worry. You're covered, too. Marsha Ambrosius has penned a classic angry song with her "I Hope She Cheats On You (With A Basketball Player)." Just the title alone is one of the meanest things a woman can wish on a man. Marsha hits her notes with defiance and pain, creating a strong cocktail for any woman to sip when she thinks about that jerk that she's too good for.
Then there's the loveable Kanye West. A couple of years ago, he made the emo appreciation album "808s and Heartbreaks," full of auto-tuned melodrama and "woe is me" lamenting. Yeezy made a triumphant lipstick-red-leather return at the MTV Video Music Awards this year with a break-up song that runs through the catalogue of anti-male insults. The only words I can type here in this quasi-family publication are "scumbags" and "jerkoffs," but the chorus is begging to be chanted by college girls that catch their boyfriends sprawled over the beer pong table making out with the campus floozy.
For those of you out there recovering from broken hearts, fear not. Music is your remedy. After your tears dry, and you've made all of your post-breakup bad decisions and drunk dialing, you can find your angry psychiatrist in your iPod. Now go out there, scream and curse until you're hoarse and come back ready to go through it all again.