[Chick] Tankini Hell | Jackson Free Press | Jackson, MS

[Chick] Tankini Hell

I'm being sexually harassed by overstock.com. Wait. Let me back up.

First of all, I had every intention of boycotting the swimsuit industry this year. No, I was not going to be that chick you see at the public pool wearing gym clothes in the water. (By the way, if she's not going to suit up, she could at least get some band-aids. I'm just saying.) I spent big bucks on a suit last year that covers what needs to be covered and accentuates the few good things I've got going for myself.

However, our friend with the Corvette, currently known as the-most-fabulous-man-to-ever-take-a-breath, went and got all sweet and chivalrous on me. He bought Monkey and me a trip to Disney World to coincide with his and his Princess's trip to Disney World. And we'll be staying at the Chi-Chi resort. And it has a water park. And he's just betting that in seven days, I'll need more than one old swimsuit.


I first attempt to purchase a swimsuit off the rack. However, with the way I've been fighting the size of my butt lately, I just gave up after the first mirror image of myself under fluorescent lighting. Plus, I was becoming that chick in the dressing room who tells the teenage girls, "If you think you're fat now, wait until you're my age." I'm just too young for that, and I don't think I'm going to single-handedly solve the body image problems of our young girls in a big-box retail establishment. Especially since I'm officially saving for lipo now.

So, like the consumers of Viagra and porn, I go online to satisfy this spandexed need. Upon the recommendation of my own online shopping sherpa friend, I visit overstock.com. After I un-sidetrack myself from the shoes, which one can never get too fat for, I begin the search for what I'm looking for in swimwear: something that makes me look thinner and doesn't cost a lot. Simple.

Surprisingly, it is very simple. I find what I need on page one. A sensible tankini that does not scream "Mamaw" but does say, "I know I'm hot stuff, but I'd prefer you to check out someone else please." And it's DKNY! And they have my size! I bless the powers of the lycra and click "Check Out" right quick because this baby is going to sell out soon.

So THIS is why they call themselves "The Big O!" I never thought online shopping could serve as retail therapy since it does not involve the instant gratification of a shopping bag, but I've also never owned DKNY anything. Not even socks. I consider filing this one under my company's psych-help insurance.

Finally, the box arrives at my doorstep. I pull out the tank of the tankini. It's perfect. Perfect size, shape, color and just what I need. And apparently that's all Overstock thinks I need, because I can't find the bottom.

So I call the Big O. I explain to a very nice young man named Stephen that I've heard that Disney is a very family-orientated kinda place, and I'm sure I'll need my bottom while I'm there. Stephen agrees. Stephen apologizes. Stephen is going to take care of the problem.

Then I get an e-mail from Jeff. Jeff wants me to print this label and send it back for refund. But there is no link to click. I respond to Jeff to let him know it's not working.

Jeff sends my concern to the Big O's "Research Team." Then some guy named Brandon e-mails me the following:

"Thank you for shopping with Overstock.com. I apologize that the pull-on panty for the DKNY Halter Plunge Tankini we sent to you was missing when you received shipment. This has been a popular item on our site at a great price.

"I have requested the warehouse ship you the pull-on panty."

Darn straight you're going to send my panty! What kind of girl do you think I am, Overstock? You and that Research Team better hand it over because my flight leaves in three weeks. And, just so you know, my panty may be popular, but it is just not available for every Jeff, Stephen and Brandon to dig around for.

You best straighten this mess out before I tell Mickey. Don't say I won't.

Previous Comments


ok em, i get the hint. No more rading your panty drawers. ;) jk


:P I actually received my panty one day last week. It was just sitting on the front porch for God and everyone to see. However, they did change the wording of the product from panty to, well, product. Going forward, I'm sticking with the shoes.


What a wonderful comic piece!! I really enjoyed this one!

Nicole Bradshaw

EmilyB, If you are so uncomfortable with other people's bodies I suggest you build a pool in your backyard and stay home. kisses, the Chick who swims in gymwear


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