Mr. Announcement: "Welcome to ‘Cooking with Fat Meat,' the culinary arts television show that adds a whole lot of flavor to your life. On today's show, Chef Fat Meat presents foods that might bring good fortune into the new year."
Chef Fat Meat: "Greetings fellow culinary artists and food connoisseurs. What a year it has been. America and the world have experienced some crucial events that will soon be forgotten at 12:01 a.m. on New Years Day—like that three-month-long Gulf Coast oil spill, the earthquakes in Haiti, Argentina and Chile, and the political squabbles between the conservatives, tea-party folks, liberals and President Obama.
"Nevertheless, I'm ready to begin the new year on the ‘good foot' by recommending these delicious meals:
"Collard Greens seasoned with a ham hock represent money and prosperity;
"Black-eyed Peas seasoned with some smoked hog jowls means extra change in your pockets all year long;
"Pork Roast, the other white meat, represents progress for the new year.
"And don't forget the crackling cornbread with plenty of pork skins to eat with the collard greens and black-eyed peas.
"I must add that these recommended meals come with a nutritional health warning: Heavy consumption of pork products may cause hypertension. So be sure to have your high blood pressure medicine and other home remedies ready when eating lots of pork and celebrating the new year.
"Here's a toast to the new year with a cup of warm water and apple-cider vinegar."