One Weird Weekend | Jackson Free Press | Jackson, MS

One Weird Weekend

Fester, our man in the swamp, checks in with some words of wisdom. (Who wrote this, Fester)?

Fester sez:

THAT'S SOME FUNNY, FUNNY STUFF: Some incredible happenins in Lexington this weekend to be sure and your host has ranked the events and the fallout in a three-tier hierarchy of humor. First we have the tilt itself. Sort of a strange windy day to begin with, then comes kickoff and things really short out. Donnie Jones unloads an EIGHTY-SIX yard punt for crying out loud. Nick and staff obviously installed a new coverage technique during the week - pass interference. SEC statistics geeks are still trying to determine how many flagrant interferences went uncalled. The Hefty Lefty himself is probably still trying to figure out why the hell they burned that final TO with 15 seconds left. Guy Morriss and staff are probably still trying to figure out why the hell they didn't have The Round Mound of Touchdown 5-step drop and launch one (or two) through the end zone to kill at least 6-8 more seconds of clock. Fester is still trying to figure out why Nick and staff had Devery Henderson return the last kickoff directly out of bounds to kill the clock - more chance of a big return than anything from scrimmage, wouldn't you think? Morriss is still contemplating yanking the scholarship of J-Load, who doused him with the obligatory Gatorade "victory" bath with two seconds left on the clock. Tiger fans restricted to the LSU radio broadcast are still trying to figure out why Jim Hawthorne said Jack Hunt caught the game-winner. ESPN's Tom Jackson is still trying to figure out why the Kentucky secondary didn't - all together now - KNOCK IT DOWN! Our second tier of humor centers around the omnipresent Moron Student Factor. UK students, justifiably tickled with an apparent win over the defending SEC Champion that would've snapped a 12-game losing streak to ranked conference teams, circled one end of the field and rushed the players when Marcus Randall released the fateful heave. The material here is voluminous - we could cite the twit in the blue tie that rushed Randall gleefully until he looked downfield. Or the guy in the blue tee-shirt that still didn't get it even when Randall took off for the endzone dogpile. Maybe the chubster in the #2 UK practice jersey that wanted to Billy-Badass glare down LSU players on his walk through the masses. But no, our top recognition goes to the collective group of halfwits that climbed onto the crossbar in anticipation of tearing down their own goalposts celebrating a loss. Very, very nice work. The third and positively the most delicious twist of this whole thing - imagine Tommy "The Human Resume" Tuberville's heartburn when he got a chance to digest this thing. He coulda/shoulda/woulda been tied with LSU in the loss column while holding the head-to-head tiebreaker advantage with only two games left to Atlanta. Tsk, tsk, tsk

LIL O' DIS, LIL O' DAT: Texas A&M knocked off # 1 for the first time in school history…..The unranked team that has knocked off more No. 1's than any other school? Purdue with 4 wins over the top dog, the last in 1976…..The media geeks gnashing their teeth over the BCS jumble two weeks ago will now move into the pool of one-loss teams for something to fret over…..Jackie Sherrill was actually espousing the old I'm-proud-of-the-guys-because-they-didn't-quit angle on his call-in show after the 28-14 setback at Tuscaloosa. Hell, Jackie, you forgot to mention that we covered…..Mississippi State has more Tuscaloosa wins (7) than any other Alabama opponent. LSU and Florida are next with four…..Charles Grant's TD return of a Rodney Peete fumble as time expired elated and deflated bettors across the globe. Final line on the Saints' 34-24 win was New Orleans plus five…..An AP sportswriter is reporting that Ole Miss Coach David Cutcliffe actually moved on the sidelines Saturday night. Independent Fester sources are working to confirm this…..The media likes to ridicule the entire BCS process as too unreliable, yet they're the main culprit in the idiocy race. Miami is defending champion, has yet to lose since gaining their crown, yet dropped in the heavily-weighted wire service polls component of the BCS formula. Imagine the press' outrage if a defending NCAA basketball champion was unblemished and denied an opportunity to play for a title because they weren't subjectively deemed to be playing as well as some other teams…..Everybody gets a win on the Atlanta @ Pittsburgh 34-34 tie, the first tie in the NFL since November 1997. Remember that deadlock? Gus Frerotte pulled the old head-butt-the-cement-wall trick that night.

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