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[Stiggers] Church Pianists Gone Bad
by Ken Stiggers
August 16, 2006
Boneqweesha Jones: "This is Boneqweesha on the scene for Ghetto Science News, bringing you live coverage of the seizure of Crunchie Burga World by disgruntled customer and retired jazz/funk pianist 'Coal Black' Walker.
"Let's cut to a bird's-eye-view of this dramatic event with Auntie Church Hat in the Church Hat Family's Praise-the-Lord-O-Copter."
Auntie Church Hat: "Don't forget, Boneqweesha, 'Coal Black' Walker was a freelance church pianist for several local churches and the 'Rock-the House' Community Mass Choir. Anyway, 'Coal Black' holds hostage Crunchie Burga World employees and customers at the barrel of a semiautomatic BB gun, because he received a speeding ticket during a racial profiling incident on Highway 55.
"The incident occurred when he drove his—newly purchased—used Lexus from Texas, after he finished a paid-for gig with the Sausage Sandwich Sisters' Electric Slide House Band. Now he's mad like Michael Douglas in the movie 'Falling Down.'
"The Praise-the-Lord-O-Copter Sky-Cam has a shot of Nurse Tootie McBride, also a part-time S.W.A.T. team hostage negotiator, entering Crunchie Burga World. Nurse Tootie knows all of the 'W.W.F. Smack Down' wrestling holds and David Carradine 'Kung-Fu'/martial arts tactics.
"Eventually, she will escort 'Coal Black' out with a painful arm lock. Lord, have mercy! The Praise-the Lord-O-Copter gas tank is on empty; I must land quickly. Later, my sister!"
Boneqweesha Jones: "Our news headline for today: 'Coal Black' Walker experiences road-rage during 'Raggedy Times.'"
posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 08/16/06 at 03:37 PM. [printer version] Share |
COMMENTS
The editors are so clever in titling this column : Church Pianist Gone Bad.
This column is a modern-day, satirical parody of the character "Coalhouse" Walker in the book "Ragtime" by E.L. Doctorow. A 3 hour movie of this book was produced, starring the late Howard Rollins Jr as "Coalhouse" Walker.
posted by Stiggers on 08/17/06 at 10:35 PM
“Let’s cut to a bird’s-eye-view of this dramatic event with Auntie Church Hat in the Church Hat Family’s Praise-the-Lord-O-Copter.”
LOL! I can picture a big, rusty helicopter with "PTL" in big red letters. Dude, what are your dreams like? :-P
posted by LatashaWillis on 08/20/06 at 10:45 PM
L.W.
You see clearly what I imagine. The humor is seeing a black woman wearing a church hat inside a helicopter. Imagine a gust of wind blowing her hat off her head, from time to time. Also, imagine a nurse as a hostage negociator, using karate and wrestling holds to apprehend a man gone mad. The satire in this piece reflects some of the many problems we are forced to deal with: Road rage, racial profiling, crime, etc. Then, Auntie Church Hat runs out of gas in her helicopter and abruptly ends her report. Boneqweesha sums up the situation with her own headline, which is a commentary concerning fustrated individuals in a troubled society.
posted by Stiggers on 08/22/06 at 11:06 PM
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