Big Roscoe: "Little Mama Roscoe and I have big plans to celebrate the remaining days of 2016 at Clubb Chicken Wing. Despite the numerous and unfortunate executions of poor people, law enforcement, former NFL football players, etc., the hard-working Clubb Chicken Wing staff will continue to serve its loyal customers with a special holiday event called 'The Eight Days of Christmas Hot Wing Happy Hour for World Peace and Sanity.'
"On day one, Congressman Smokey 'Robinson' McBride will host a 'Unity in the Community' gathering, Christmas Hot Wing Happy Hour and disco.
"On day two, members from the Greater Ghetto Science Kwanzaa Committee will host a 'Community Self Determination, Collective Work and Responsibility, and Cooperative Economics' Hot Wing Happy Hour. The Kwanzaa Committee invites all President-elect Trump supporters to attend.
"On day three, Inspector 'Beat Down' Lipscomb, neighborhood security specialist, will host a 'New Era in Self Defense: Staying Safe in Desperate and Uncertain Times' Hot Wing Happy Hour and seminar.
"On day four, The Ghetto Science Repertory Theatre Group will perform during the Hot Wing Happy Hour a new play titled 'What Are Your Plans for Me, Mr. Trump?' Chief Crazy Brother of Jojo's Discount Dollar Store will portray Dr. Ben Carson as 'The Butler.'
"On days five through seven, Little Momma Roscoe will host an International Hot Wing Happy Hour.
"On day eight, The Underemployed Dee-Jays and mixologist Brother Hustle will host the 'Sippin' on Gin and Juicy Juice New Years Party 2017.'
"Happy holidays, everyone."