[Guy] Translations

by Darren Schwindaman & Vince Falconi
August 20, 2008

The ultimate [FLY] Guy, in addition to being well-read, well-kempt and well-muscled, is also well-prepared. Traveling, for instance, can be a tricky business, especially with the various language barriers out there. To be truly [FLY], it’s essential to travel off the beaten path and converse with questionable characters. Speaking of whom, here are Sir Scurvy Dog of the Seven Seas and Igor the Immense to help you along your way.

I am an American. Touch me and my president will bomb your mother’s potato garden.
Pirate: Avast! If ye lay a hand on me, me captain will broadside your wench’s potato garden the likes of which ye hast never seen.
Viking: I am Erik the Red. If you raise your ax against me, I will return the favor with the fury of Thor’s hammer on your mother’s potato garden.

I am lost. Where is the hotel?
Pirate: A sack of doubloons for the landlubber who takes me to the nearest lodging!
Viking: By Odin’s beard, I’ve lost my way. Where is the meadhall?

I am bleeding profusely. Where is the hospital?
Pirate: Avast! I’ve been keelhauled! Where be ye amputatin’ deck?
Viking: I’ve been hurt in combat and need no barber, for I am destined for Valhalla. Verily.

Can you show me where the bathroom is?
Pirate: Ahoy! I be needin’ to dump me booty.
Viking: Verily, I believe Loki is making mischief in my gut. Where is the trough?

How much is the beer?
Pirate: I’ll be needin’ a barrel of ye sea-saltiest grog!
Viking: How much for a mug of your finest mead? What? I won’t pay that! Arm yourself and face me in battle!

Please.
Pirate: I’ll be takin’ those jewels off ye hands now.
Viking: GIVE IT TO ME!

Where is the American embassy?
Pirate: Where be the colonists’ fort? Me men be needin’ to point their cannons at something.
Viking: Where is the meadhall?

Sorry, I am into guys.
Pirate: Avert ye eyes, lassie; me swash doesn’t buckle your way.
Viking: RAAAAAAAAAAWR! Arm yourself wench, for I dance on Bifrost, the rainbow bridge to Asgard!

I am allergic to Penicillin.
Pirate: Yargh! Ye scurvy concoction gives me bad omens.
Viking: What kind of witchcraft is this? Your old bread has made my skin red and itchy! ARM YOURSELF AND FACE ME IN BATTLE!

 
posted by on 08/20/08 at 04:08 PM. [printer-friendly version]