Balderdash

Melissa Webster

by Jesse Yancy
November 5, 2008

With the notable exception of whales, hair is a defining characteristic of mammals. Our species makes a lot of fuss over this basic trait, especially over its lack. Both sexes consider hair loss undesirable, at the very least, so much so that Americans spend more than a billion dollars annually for hair restorations and replacements, making it one of the biggest vanity industries in the history of mankind.

It’s right up there with karaoke.

Just what is the appeal of a full head of hair? Like most fundamental questions in any mammal’s mind, this one boils down to a matter of sex. When it comes to hair loss, sex comes into play on many levels, the most fundamental being genetic. Males far outnumber females when it comes to the frequency of hair loss, and males tend to lose their hair at a far earlier age. Women usually experience significant hair loss only after age 55, while some males peak in hair density at 17. Please note that while most women who suffer hair loss at that age are usually post-menopausal, men, at 17, are usually only just beginning what they doubtlessly hope will be a long and fruitful period of sexual activity.

While females begrudgingly admit that baldness in their (male) partners certainly doesn’t affect virility, under more private circumstances, they reveal that it just doesn’t look as good as a full head of hair. This confession reinforces the opinion often voiced by men at deer camps: Women consider men mere fertilization devices to be dressed well and ushered around charity auctions.

Women seem capable of carrying off wigs with absolute sang-froid; men who don a rug are more often than not the objects of derision and ridicule. Perhaps this is because the toupee itself is such a poor cousin of the magnificent hairpieces men wore in historic periods. Wigs were once the measure of a man: If you were a “big wig,” you literally wore one. Nowadays, it’s assumed that any man who wears a big wig should know how to lip-sync and pull on a pair of panty hose.

Normal hair-loss, while distressing to the ever-fragile male ego, is rarely deadly. The only fatality directly attributed to baldness occurred in the 5th century B.C., when an eagle, hoping to bust open a turtle, mistook a Greek playwright’s hairless head for a rock. While lucky for the turtle, this was the greatest blow to the theater until “Cats” debuted more than 2,000 years later.

The simple medical fact of the matter is that any attempt to reverse male pattern baldness just does not work. Most so-called “solutions” to hair-loss have been concocted by quacks, marketed by charlatans and bought by fools. The cheesy advertising alone should give you a clue that these companies aren’t on the up-and-up, but if that’s not convincing enough, you can join thousands of former hair-restoration customers in useless litigation over painful, ineffective treatments.

Fortunately, most hair salons sell topical products that can make your hair seem fuller and thicker, and most people who cut hair professionally know far more about how to handle thinning hair than you ever will.

You can’t fight your genes, but you can learn to live with them.

Bosley And Me
Three days after ordering the Bosley Hair Restoration DVD online, I received a phone call from what sounded like a perky young lady who was just breathless because I had solicited information about Bosley. She was eager to set up an appointment for me, but her ardor diminished significantly when I told her that I lived in Jackson, because their nearest offices are in Mobile, New Orleans and Nashville.

“That’s a long drive for you, isn’t it?” she asked. I said it was, but in any event, I’d like the opportunity to review the DVD she promised me was “in the mail” before I made any sort of solid commitment.

“I know you’re going to find it helpful,” she said. I didn’t feel compelled to mention that I had a full head of hair.

The packet arrived four days later. It included a DVD, a thick, slick brochure and several forms ready to fill out and mail, a testament to the adage that marketing is everything, especially when the product itself is snake oil. Most companies would balk at the prospect of spending so much money on a promotional vehicle, but not Bosley.

Basically, the Bosley procedure involves surgical transplantation of hair follicles from one area of the scalp to the other. Apparently, it is a lengthy procedure. “Most Bosley patients spend the day watching movies, eating lunch, snacking on crackers, chatting with the staff, or sometimes even taking a nap. So feel free to bring along your favorite book or DVDs ... If you don’t have any, not to worry, we have a huge selection to choose from.”

I wonder if they have “The King and I.”